I'm Vibing
Hello, my dearest blog. It’s a chilly morning here, my heater is on but I am barefoot and my feet are freezing… Actually one second, I’m getting socks lol
Okay that’s better! I stayed up until like 3 AM last night making a song on GarageBand LOL I felt like a kid again. I’m really trying to let myself not be boxed-in, creatively. I feel like I often am reminding myself to like, “stick to my brand” or to prioritize certain types of creativity over others— in my mind I have drawing & illustration highly prioritized, so when inspiration takes me elsewhere (like making a beat on GarageBand or writing a story or whatever) I feel like I’m cheating on my sketchbook… Which is ridiculous, I know. Logically it makes sense to follow creative inspiration wherever it takes me, creativity is never wrong and it fulfills me in all of its forms!
I tend to forget all of the hobbies that I have, especially creative ones. Writing stories, making music, sewing, painting, dancing, and a million other things… I think I forget about all the things I love to do because of my phone, and the TV. Like watching TV and being on my phone clogs my brain up so much, I really think it’s an addiction… Wait… The only reason I’m watching TV is because I’m just not letting myself do my hobbies. What the hell, it’s a vicious cycle?! Oh, so you don’t feel like drawing today? Okay, well, the only thing left for you to do is watch TV or do chores. Any other creative activity is a waste of time for you to pursue! It’s DRAW OR NOTHING, BITCH.
When I’ve been watching TV consistently for a few days, it really becomes a habit and it’s hard for me to even think of an alternative activity. Like, I want to relax? Watch TV. I want to be entertained? Watch TV. When in reality, I’m bored while I watch, and once I turn off the TV I feel a really weird mixture of anxiety and relief. Relief from the final release of overstimulation, and anxiety from trying to figure out what to do once I get off the couch.
Last night I was both relaxed and entertained by my little GarageBand tune, and when I turned my computer off to finally go to bed, I felt no anxiety or relief— just joy. And I felt proud too. And grateful that I let myself just sit and do something fun. For whatever reason I’ve just been pondering these feelings and letting them sink in… I’ve said this so much this year but my mindset has truly shifted. For the better.
For my new year’s resolution two years ago, in 2020, I wrote that I wanted to prioritize my art. But I don’t think I knew what that meant, fully. For two years I attempted to prioritize my art in a way that, when looking back, just doesn’t make any sense… I completely put myself into a cage of Draw Draw Draw and anything else is a waste of time. If I didn’t draw, I hated myself. If I did, it felt like a chore and I rarely was proud of my work. I started my Patreon as a way to prioritize as well, using money as a way to incentivize myself to create something. Completely senseless in retrospect, and its hard for me to look at my art from these past couple of years and not feel empty.
I had to go through that, though. Because now, I think it has finally clicked with me: what it means to be an artist. And for me, it’s definitely not about forcing myself into certain creative paths or boxing myself in. In fact, it’s exactly the opposite, and I am overflowing with creativity in everything that I do… I am expanding, growing, confidently diving into whatever sparks my curiosity in that moment. I am art. I am art. Everything that I do, is art. Every part of my body, every facet of my soul, every thought in my brain is infused with an ever-strengthening creative force. Sounds dramatic but this feeling runs deep.
I’m trying to soak up this moment and all the moments of every day. My fear is that my feelings will dissipate and I will accept normalcy, falling into a new job or routine that brings my head down from the clouds and into another meeting that could have been an email. The difference between my brain on a 9-to-5 and my unemployed brain is astronomically insane… The person that I am right now is my best friend and my heart aches for her when she goes to work or pretends to be an adult. I can’t let that happen again, it won’t happen again.
I’m finally seeing the potential in every creative direction. Whether it’s songs or stories or drawings, everything is there to fulfill my artistic spirit. I don’t have to put myself into a box to feel worthy as an artist. I don’t need to have a niche or one art style. I’m a complicated, vibrant, and beautiful human being with an endless amount of creative curiosity! And today I’m about to spend my creative energy on another GarageBand song!! LOL ♡
Life is good,
Caisa