Dealing With Disappointment

It’s a very chilly Sunday afternoon and I keep trying to do stuff but I end up just stuck, sitting in front of my space heater trying to get rid of this perpetual chill.

I was supposed to go on a date today. A Bumble date lol, we were supposed to bundle up and stroll through this nature preserve that’s nearby… It’s lovely outside, even though it’s cold— the sky is cloudless and the sun feels warm. But literally right as I was walking out the door, I was like, “Wait I can’t remember if he said he was vaccinated” so I texted him to ask, totally assuming that he was going to be like “Yes of course I am” but NO. He was like “Nah”… So he is a random unvaccinated man and I am just…. disappointed and grossed out and frustrated and sad.

I am disappointed in him because he seemed so cool; he really liked art and ecology and writing music. I’m disappointed in myself because in retrospect I should have picked up on the red flags via our text conversations that could have enlightened me to his political leaning lol. I am grossed out because I willingly gave my time and mental energy to this person, and now realize that they were not deserving of that. I’m frustrated because WHY TF AREN’T YOU VACCINATED??!? And I’m sad because I honestly really wanted to hang out today and cuddle on some blankets in a sunny meadow with someone cute… And that’s just not happening anymore. I canceled the date obviously and blocked his number because I just don’t care to ever hear from him again.

Getting the text from him that he wasn’t vaccinated was such a shock to my system. Just the mix of emotions, the sudden upheaval of my plans for the day… I really felt anxious and had to quickly center myself— I just sort of let it sink in and took a walk around my neighborhood. Tried to stomp out the frustration I guess. I do still feel my mind dwelling on what happened though, so here I am.

I always wonder if changes in emotions affect everyone in the same way. Personally, I really struggle with change in general— I crave spontaneity and tend to change my mind often, I dream about completely changing the direction of my life and can be a very go-with-the-flow person. At the same time, I am extremely anxious regarding unexpected changes to plans or to my routine, and sudden emotional shifts can really scramble my brain and leave me in a fog for weeks. I definitely struggle with these two sides of me, often feeling a pull in both directions.

Logically I know that change is neutral… It just is what it is. It can be quite a merciless force, but it is necessary for growth. I am really trying to accept change wherever it appears in my life, for better or for worse. I want to be someone who knows that change is coming— someone who expects the unexpected, or at least someone who’s emotional wellbeing doesn’t rely on meeting extremely specific (and sometimes foolish) expectations.

Being able to regulate my emotions regardless of my external environment is definitely one of my goals for life lol. I know I am an emotional person, I know that I feel everything very deeply and carry a lot of emotional baggage on my shoulders. I accept this about myself, and love this about myself. But I also know that the feeling of disappointment because a date didn’t work out shouldn’t be enough to make me want to crawl into my bed and ignore the world for a few days. I deserve better than that.

I think that this time I have successfully won the argument in my head (to succumb to depression, or not to succumb to depression… that is the question of my existence tbh…) and I can go about my day still feeling like myself. I am allowed to feel what I’m feeling, disappointed and frustrated and annoyed and sad, but I deserve to take care of myself while I’m feeling that way. God I wish I learned that when I was younger.

It’s okay to be disappointed, and it’s also okay to have expectations. I am allowed to dream up my perfect scenario and to think positively about my future plans. But when things don’t go according to plan, which they honestly won’t most of the time, it’s not a failure on my part and I will treat my emotions with respect. I deserve extra care and extra love while I process my feelings. And I haven’t written anything in a while, and writing these posts is truly an act of love for myself haha so here I am! Thanks, girl! You’re welcome! I love you!

Tbh I already feel less disappointed so I’m off to float through the rest of my day. ‪♡‬

XOXO,
Caisa

Also wow I wrote six blog posts this month!!! I am proud of myself!