What Do I Want?
It’s 11:11, make a wish!
I finally trimmed my hair today— not very well lol, just sort of took a half an inch off of most hairs… My hair has been in that stage where it’s perpetually tangly and dry, like even a conditioning mask doesn’t make my hair smooth and nothing works when I try to detangle. I know it’s because I need an actual professional hair cut and I’d also love to get rid of this freaking blue color… But my Unemployed Ass can’t afford a salon trip so here we are :)
I’ve been thinking a lot about manifesting, visualization, the law of attraction etc etc etc… I think one of the things that paralyzes me when I think about the big picture of my future is that I really am not set on what I want. Or, I am (in some aspects) but it’s more of an abstract idea that I can’t seem to pin down. I think a good task for me is to really dig deep and discover what I truly want in life and what I believe will bring me the most happiness and overall satisfaction. And I mean I think planning your whole life is silly but, I know myself, and I think coming to a conclusion with this issue will give my brain some peace of mind.
So I’m going to use my time writing today to start pondering the big picture goals that I’d like to work towards— materially, emotionally, and spiritually. I’m going to write them in present tense for manifestation purposes okay here we go!
Material Goals:
I own a beautiful house in a quiet place, with plenty of natural light streaming through the windows. There is an abundant, healthy garden where I grow vegetables and flowers. My home is cozy and feels best when filled with my family and friends.
I am financially successful and have more than enough money to take care of myself, my family, and my friends. Money is overflowing in my life.
Emotional Goals:
I am stable and my emotions are regulated. I have control over my emotional responses and I honor my feelings as they pass through me.
I am overflowing with gratitude and joy. Everything in my life brings me happiness, and I accept these joyous moments with gratitude.
Spiritual Goals:
I am connected to the world around me and the piece of the universe within me. I am thankful every day for the life that I’ve been given.
I have an unwavering faith in the support, love, and divine guidance that is given to me by the universe and mother earth. I am on the right path and work each day to deepen my connection with mother earth.
Okay I just went with whatever I first thought of in this moment, but I’d say this is a pretty accurate big picture view of what I’d like to work towards without being super specific. I’m thinking that I need to add in Career Goals and Relationship Goals… and now as I write this, I remember that I already listed some of those things out in my Notes app lol one sec…
Wow okay I found the note, I actually divided up my goals/visualizations into these categories: Career, Home, Relationships, Health, Spirit, Sex, Style, and Leisure. I put emotional goals as well as material goals for every category which I actually think is a good way to get specific with each category.
Anyway okay I’m rambling… I think this topic is coming up a lot because I’m confused with my long-term career goals, which makes me unsure of how to act in the short-term. Like, if I don’t know that what I want is a successful freelance studio, then why work towards that goal? There doesn’t seem to be a point if I’m unsure or going to move on to something else in a year. It’s been extremely difficult for me to actually nail down what I want to be doing. In part, because I want to do everything, and in another part, because I haven’t tried everything so how can I know what works for me?
Maybe I can use this problem to my advantage. Perhaps I can include in my visualizations that I try many things, that I’m curious and that I explore endless opportunities. Life is long, I can do everything if that’s what I want to do! I need to believe that.
I think my ultimate goal is to just be an artist. Be a creative. No clients or freelancing, nothing like that— just being myself and creating art in a million different ways. And being so passionate and authentic and true to my beliefs that I’m proud of what I create no matter the response. I know in my heart that that is how my cup would like to be filled, so to speak.
The problem of course, is money. How can I just be myself and have people like it enough to start financially incentivizing me to continue being myself? I think a lot about Doja Cat and Tyler The Creator (lol random) because I’ve just been hyper-fixating on music and music artists recently— and the two artists mentioned are so exceptionally authentic and true to themselves, unafraid to bring their artistic vision to life, and confident in themselves and their creativity. It’s astonishing to me as well as admirable, I could only dream of having the confidence (and the introspection) to put my all into what I create while disregarding the very-real anxieties of failure. Doja Cat and Tyler the Creator just are themselves and it shows in their art. They both truly deserve their success and I really respect them as artists.
I know that I need to be a creator. I know that my path is an artistic path, a creative path. That is definitely one truth that has been constant and unwavering throughout my entire life. An Artist is the only “career” that I’ve ever considered and I’m grateful to have such a strong pull towards creating, admiring, and learning about art in all of its forms.
I think that I would be happy as a writer, an illustrator, an animator, a videographer, story board artist, oil painter, screen printer, seamstress, YouTuber, fashion designer, concept artist… I can think of hundreds more but I just need to be creating something. I think that’s why my 9-to-5 affected me so badly. I was forced every day to create nothing. Everything that I made or spent my creative energy on was essentially useless… something of minimal overall value that just made someone at the top richer. That job seriously left a void in my soul that I am still repairing. I could cry honestly, I have cried about this haha, just that work completely drained me of my creative desires and artistic values. Left me dying and empty at the end of every week, and by the time I quit I was considering quitting art altogether. The fact that I got to that point emotionally— the point of wanting to disregard the ONE TRUTH about myself, my artistic passion— is so frightening and I believe was probably rock bottom for me.
I’m actually getting emotional writing about this lol, I think I haven’t really solidified these ideas or processed fully the seriousness of my mental decline during my years of working that job. I’m sitting here, though, overwhelmed with gratitude (and extremely proud of myself) that I stayed true to myself and realized what needed to be done before it was too late. I’m actively repairing the damage to my mental health, I’m encouraging my creativity whenever I feel inspired, I’m falling in love with myself and I’m promising to honor and respect my artistic soul. Anyways here is a selfie. This blog post was a journey, wow.
This is silly but I actually think everything that I’ve pondered relates (metaphorically) to my freaking tangly hair. I know that what I ultimately need is a haircut. A big chop to remove the dead ends, and give my curls the bounce they deserve. I also need to detangle my life, my ideas… I’ve been brushing through them over and over and yet they are still in knots. I need a big chop to the BRAIN (lol just kidding)… Get rid of the dead ends, stop doing what is clearly not working. Focus on the healthy, smooth, and alive parts of me so that I can bounce back— as curly and voluminous as ever!
With gratitude & love,
Caisa