Happy Friday

It’s a beautiful, sunny Friday and I can’t seem to focus. I can distinctly feel the emotional shift that I’m going through in my mind and body. Fidgety, restless, uncomfortable in any position… A frown on my lips and my brows refuse to be unknotted. Bits of negativity, fog, distraction, emptiness, and frustration are creeping into my head. I’m headed into PMS… We’ve made it, girl.

The two weeks of Hell have begun. My cycle is stubbornly consistent, and I’m at the age where I’ve been through this so many fucking times that I am able to recognize exactly when it’s coming and how bad it will be. First, the week of suicidal thoughts, self-hatred, disconnect, and shame, followed by the week of excruciating abdominal pain, stiff joints, and exhausted muscles. It comes without fail every month of every year of my life since I was thirteen.

The change in my mindset is always a shock to my system around this time. It is an overnight change, and even though I am prepared and can estimate it’s arrival, it almost always feels so sudden and jarring. The beautiful, encouraging, uplifting, loving vibes that I’ve been soaking up for the last two weeks suddenly vanish. Or at least, they become extremely unimportant and easily forgotten about, replaced by foggy, annoying, painful and frustrated ones.

When I woke up this morning I instantly felt this shift… I just didn’t feel right. My usual positive outlook felt fake, like I was putting on a performance while my true self laughed at me and threw tomatoes from the audience. I checked my cycle tracking app and low-and-behold my depression is right on schedule! The fact that I can recognize this change, track it, and prepare for it is truly a miracle, and I’m proud of myself for doing the work to get to this point in my life. In my younger years I struggled with these changes, not fully understanding the “why” behind them; I understood myself as the controlling, judgmental, depressed bitch with extreme mood swings and the attention span of a goldfish, that’s just who I was. I went through years of this cycle: Doing fine and feeling awesome > Suddenly wanting to kill myself > Extreme physical pain > Pain is over, I’m doing fine again… What the hell was all that about, anyway? I was unaware that it was a cycle at all, and even when I began to vaguely understand that I was living and reliving this pattern, I didn’t understand why.

The “why” itself is complicated and I could write a series of books untangling its answers, but, one of the simple answers is: PMDD, or, pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder. A critical and life-changing diagnosis for me, PMDD is the explanation to my unexplained mood swings and random week of suicidal ideation. Understanding and internalizing this not only gave me some relief, but I also felt more in control of my life! I didn’t have to live my life just waiting for my next crash, for the next time I hit rock bottom… I could plan and prepare, and practice healthy coping skills to make this time of the month easier for me. And today, writing seemed like the coping skill I most needed lol so here I am :)

This week I will remember to give myself extra love, and extra care. I will treat my mind, body, and soul with tenderness and unwavering adoration. I will protect my energy, and I will create space for my emotions to show themselves to me. I won’t judge the change in my mindset, I won’t judge my thoughts. I am not a failure for having doubts, for feeling frustrated, or for feeling hopeless. I know that feeling deeply, and fully immersing myself in my emotions is necessary for my growth and wellbeing. I am a vessel for emotion, spirit, creativity, and sensitivity. And that’s super cool :)

I truly feel blessed with powerful introspective abilities and the courage to stroll into the most-likely-very-painful unknown corners of my psyche. Almost every month I experience an epiphany or some sort of emotional breakthrough during my PMS week. It’s as if the universe is checking in on me… like, “Hey girl, you’ve had an amazing couple of weeks, let’s see what you’ve learned!” Sometimes I wish that these lessons didn’t have to be so violently forced upon me, but, it proves to me my resilience and not once have I been ungrateful for them. Through the intensity of my monthly emotional processing, my monthly shedding-of-the-skin, I go. And on the other side I am reborn, time and time again.

It will be over before I know it. (I mean, no, I will definitely know when it’s over lol I can’t wait…) But until then, I promise to give myself what I need, and treat myself like the divine goddess that I am. I look forward to the lessons I have yet to learn. ‪♡‬

With softness & peace,
Caisa